The Secret to Happiness

Unhappiness can make us toxic to ourselves and the people we care about. Not letting go of past hurts and holding on to pain and disappointment can ruin any one's life. The biggest tragedy is that the secret of finding happiness is amazingly simple. Happiness won't come in the form of a lover, great job, or streak of good luck. Sure, those things are great, but they won't make us happy. A new pair of cute shoes or a slice of cheesecake can give anyone a momentary feeling of euphoria, but it doesn't last. In fact, over spending and over indulging can lead to feelings of guilt and self loathing once that initial high wears off.

I was an unhappy person. I discovered true happiness three years ago, and once I found it, it turned on my inner GPS that leads to contentment and joy every day. Sometimes I've gone in a different direction out of old habit, but I eventually wise up and follow the highlighted route.

The first step to achieving bliss is to let go of all the past villains in our lives who put us in this unhealthy state. For me, it meant taking a painful look at my childhood, and then forgiving my antiheroes for every slight that poisoned my ability to be joyful. Nothing poisons our soul quicker than hatred. I still have a few people on my short list, but those people are new arrivals whom I'm just not ready to release. I think I'll do that today. Hatred makes my soul heavy. Which is why the Egyptian goddess Ma'at weighs a person's soul to determine if they can enter Heaven. Only those whose soul is lighter than a feather may find eternal peace and joy. So, adios Dannenberg, Rose and Scott.

The second step is to really look at yourself and love who you see. I procrastinate, am often disorganized and messy,I've got a big belly, thinning hair and I cracked a few back teeth because I grind and gnash my teeth in my sleep. I don't beat myself up for any of these things. I see all the wonderful things about me, first. So, when these other things enter my mind, I see how some flaws make me real, and how there is a beauty in imperfection as it makes me unique.

The third step is learning how to pick your battles. It is not healthy to be passive, but it is probably less healthy to be ready to do battle over everything. The other day I was watching "The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills" and one of the husbands of the housewives said the smartest thing I ever heard someone say on the subject. He was chatting with some of the other husbands about the longevity of their marriages (or lack there of) and remarked that he had been with his wife since she was 21, which is almost 30 years of marriage. This caused the other men to question him about his secret. He gave the stock answer about not going to bed angry, but then handed out the real jewel...

"I choose to be happy over being right."

I worked for a woman who is a miserable, joy-killing, type A personality. After years of being jealous of her husband's family's large homes in Northern Virginia, she got what she wanted. Her husband bought her a big house in Nevada. Instead of enjoying her home, she spent all of her waking hours on her computer watching her workers via an ever-expanding number of video cameras. She would then get all worked up because I decorated a cake with yellow icing when she wanted red, or because she saw an otherwise conscientious worker send her boyfriend a text message. She took it as a personal slight when another great worker wanted to go on vacation with her family to Japan, and punished her by taking her off of the schedule for the rest of the summer. She turned everything into a big deal, and eventually she lost her staff, her sales, and was forced to hire, and keep, a staff that was sub par because she drove all of her good workers away with her unrealistic expectations of perfection and her need for total control.

You just can't turn everything into a big deal and expect to have felicity in your life. Life is not perfect. There are traffic jams, people "interpret" your instructions differently than you imagined, soda spills on your keyboard, one of your coworkers might walk off with your favorite pen, and you might get bleach on your favorite shirt. Things like this happen every day. Get over it and stop letting small mishaps turn into huge mood-killers. All of this falls under the category of "Don't Sweat the Small Stuff.... And It's All Small Stuff."

The last and most important step to finding your euphoria is the simplest. Like the husband of the Real Housewife, Lisa VanderPump, choose to be happy. Accept the people in your life for who they are and what they can give without pinning unrealistic expectations on them. Choose great experiences that you will always remember over buying something that will only allow you temporary fulfillment. Use all of the energy you put forth to complain about the mishaps of life to search within yourself for what makes you happy. Cut yourself a break and love the person you are, and give yourself permission to be happy. Happiness is not elusive. It is simply a decision. Decide to be happy and you will find the route magically highlighted in front of you.